"Of Human Bondage"

No, this post is not about that disgusting type of porn where the protagonist is tied up in weird materials, or to chairs and all sorts of "props", the act of which is, apparently, arousing to some perverted minds.

"What am I doing?" "What the fuck do I plan to do?" "What is this?" - I ask myself these questions and all I get for an answer is silence. My inner self seems to have shut itself off and retreated to its shell, having lost the purpose of bring happiness to the one I love. This is not some happy post, and the literary quality is bound to be bad, so if any of you have a problem with that, you can fuck right off right now.
But for those that stayed on to read the rest of it, I'll tell you what's happened. 


I've been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half now; so it may come as no surprise to you that we fight a lot. Also, the fact of the matter is that I've gotten a little used to her; I've gotten used to having her around me to cheer me up, make me feel amazing, and naturally, I don't put in so much effort anymore. I mean, things that used to mean so much to me, now seem a tad less important, like their hallowed status has been torn off of them. I also am a very possessive boyfriend: I don't let her do things if they don't strictly fall in my purview of "good" things. But I still keep saying I want her to have fun! Add to that, how fucking weird I get whenever she finds someone attractive. Case in point, her new-found obsession towards Taylor Lautner. I understand it's only normal she's attracted to him (even though in the most minute degree), given his good looks and a fit body, and my weirdly-sticking out canine tooth, dark complexion, upturning nose, black (almost burnt) lips, and a 32" radial tyre to go with that, added to my dwarf-ish size. I know she loves me for more than just my looks, and I also know for a fact that she loves me a fucking lot! But when she did tell me she wants me to get abs like him, I don't know why, I just got weird and went on about how hard it is to get abs and would whine about that shit everyday after returning from the gym. This obviously dampened her spirits and she decided to ask me to stop trying. But the asshole that I am, I made a huge deal out of that too! 


But she, damn! She loves me way more than at any point in her life. You know, when you love someone, it shows in everything you do. She understands me, figures me out to realize what kind of a mood I'm in, calms me down, makes me see the folly in the things I'm doing, but in a gentle enough way for me to understand. She is very patient with me, and even when I'm breathing fire at her, she stays with me, patiently trying to make me feel better, and not stopping till she does. When I'm in a bad mood, she always makes me feel better, no matter what kind of a mood she herself is in. For her, it's all about me, my happiness, and keeping me happy at all times, at all costs. And the enthusiasm in her hasn't died down one bit since we started going out. If anything, it's only increased over time. She collects everything about us like they're prized possessions of hers. I was just going through the stuff she's collected over the days, and my, my, did I find a lot! She's collected everything from the letters I wrote to her in the beginning of our relationship, to the wrappers of all the chocolates I've given her. She's collected the bandage she wrapped me in when I was hurt, the carton of the ointment she used, the prescription of the doctor.. She makes me feel like I'm the most important thing ever, and everything else is not even significant. Even though I'm this weird, she never complains. Ever. She gives me my ego.


And me, being the awesome guy I am, just kept getting weirder and weirder, for no reason at all, and expected her to make me feel better every time. I did it a little too much, and *snap*!


We went into misery mode, crying and crying and crying.. Not knowing why we're fighting, but crying because we're just not the same anymore.. And when things like this happen with the love of your life, New Year's day is just dreadful. I hurt her, saying stuff I didn't mean, and wish I'd never said, and she frankly told me this had been the worst day of her life, let alone the New Year's night. Imagine how awful I must have made her feel for her to actually say something like that! She must have been devastated, broken to bits, perhaps irrevocably. I remember how she used to gush about my awesomeness saying "you've changed me forever, CS! And irrevocably!" She would say I'm the most awesome guy she's ever met, and that if she ever had the chance to be me, she'd make me look at myself from her perspective and realize how amazing I am, and how incredible I make her feel. She treats like I'm the king of everything, not expecting anything except that I always stay by her side, through thick and thin, through happiness and sorrow. And I stole the light from her eyes, just as easily as she'd put them in mine. She said she doesn't want to ever be with me again.


I've been crying for over 4 hours now. Two hours into 2012, and I already hate it for what it did to my beautiful little life.


I still remember the day I first saw her, her hair caressing her round shoulders, her beautiful eyes sniffing the air for any traces of me; her hand brushing her hair repeatedly.. I see her face around me all the time, watching me go through my paces, smiling when I do something good, and smiling even more when I do something bad, because she knows I'll learn from my mistakes. I catch myself smiling every time her thought crosses my head, every time I remember her smile when she looked at me with those amazing eyes, and stared right through me, figured out my thoughts, knew it all, and smiled at the knowledge of what was about to happen, just waiting for it to unfold. I'll forever remember the first time she said she loves me; as I will the day we first kissed, and how can I ever forget those days when we would just sit somewhere, not knowing what's happening around her, not caring one bit for anything except each other's company. I have no idea what the future has in store for me, I have no idea what to expect. But I look forward to everything with a smile on my face, knowing fully well she'll be there with me. 

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night,
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient sleepless eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors;
No yet still steadfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever or else swoon to death.

          John Keats

To everyone reading this, please, go back home, tell your partner you love him/her, it matters a lot more than you give it credit for. The time you lose saying it is the time you'll forever regret. When you grow old, sit on your porch, stare at the broken sky through your broken spectacles, and look back at all the things you broke in your life, it will be the one that truly loved you, but you just didn't make any effort.


And to my Rachu: I'm sorry, baby! Will you please be my girlfriend, all over again? I promise to be a better man! I love you, and I always will.